Do we ever ‘get over’ loss?

23rd January 2025

Do we ever ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one?

Have you ever grieved for the loss of somebody close to you, only to be told, ‘Well, you should be feeling better by now’ or ‘You should be getting back out there’, or even, ‘Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad’? Of course, often these things are said by well-meaning friends and family, who don’t want to see you being sad. Often others can feel uncomfortable, as they can’t ‘fix’ you or solve your problems within a given time frame. However, during grief, such comments can leave us feeling guilt, shame and inadequacy that we are not ‘getting over it’ as quickly as we should or grieving in the ‘right way’.

 

For me, following the loss of my mother, I can remember how hard it was to even put one foot in front of another, in those dark days following her death. What had previously felt like a simple task, to get out of bed, have a shower or make a cup of tea, felt too hard. The thought of going outdoors, having to see other people and perhaps make conversation, was overwhelming. After a few weeks had gone by, I remember someone telling me that it would do me good to go out, that it would make me feel better. However, all I really wanted to do was to see my mother, to have her back with me, to hold her and tell her how much she was loved. I would have given anything just to have her back for five minutes. I was so angry that other people still had their mother, and I did not. The last thing on my mind was going back to ‘normal’, it just felt impossible. What would happen if I went shopping and saw someone I knew? I feared bursting into tears, not having words to say and ultimately, having to run home. Then, what would people think of me?

 

After the funeral and all the sympathy, cards and flowers had stopped being offered, I was left feeling alone and cut off from the rest of the world. I remember a close friend saying, ‘You can be any way you like; you don’t have to explain yourself to me’. The feeling of not being judged was such a relief, to be able to share how I felt, however irrational it sounded, felt freeing. They gently suggested I just try to get through one day at a time. Or if that felt too much, to just get through the next hour, or even just the next minute. It was advice I have never forgotten. I began to take the days in manageable chunks, just focusing on a morning, or an afternoon, slowly filling up my time until another day had gone by. It helped me to realise that I needed to listen to my needs, not those of other people, who perhaps thought my grieving time was over.

 

Although I felt like I was coping better, in the back of my mind, I could not avoid the feeling that maybe other people were right, and that I should have been getting through my grief more quickly, as if grief had a time frame that I had exceeded. In one sense, I felt I needed to ‘do my grieving’ and then move on, as if grief was a neat little package that I could put on a shelf and dust every now and then. I now know it isn’t. The sadness we feel when someone dies stays with us forever, what changes is how our lives grow around those feelings. We can’t parcel it up and forget about it, it stays with us but slowly we create our ‘new normal’ without our loved one in our lives.

 

The difficult time I had dealing with my own grief, all those years ago, was a huge influence on me becoming a counsellor, and helping other people live through their own losses. Being sad when someone dies is a natural feeling although death can bring up other emotions, sometimes ones that have been buried from our past. Death of a close relative can cause family rifts, arguments about money, property and the estate left behind. Sometimes we can feel like other family members are not even grieving at all, as they seem to be getting on with their lives in a different way to us. I remember these feelings but what I did not recognise was that other people were dealing with their grief in a different way to me. Some people bury themselves in the administrative side of things, as it helps them feel busy and they don’t have to think about the emotional aspects of their loss. Others are immobilised by their grief, and it can look to others like they are not ‘doing their share’ of the tasks which need to be undertaken following a death.

 

When we lose a loved one, we will all live through it in a unique and individual way and there isn’t a ‘right’ way to do it. Looking back at my own experience, at the time I would have said that I didn’t deal with my loss well. However, now I realise that I was heaping more judgement on myself, by assessing how ‘well’ I was doing at grieving. I was taking self-criticality to a new level! Guilt, shame, anger, sadness and frustration were all feelings that I was used to living with daily. If I had a day when perhaps I didn’t think of my mum for an hour, this would lead to huge feelings of guilt. I had so much I still needed to say to her, which led to feelings of frustration that I hadn’t got it all out when she was alive. I felt angry that other people still had mothers that were alive, but mine wasn’t.

 

One way I began to explore my feelings was by writing them down and this is something that can be helpful when we are grieving the loss of a loved one. I sent several letters to my mother, telling her the things I couldn’t tell her before she died. Spending 15-20 minutes, writing our thoughts and feelings down, can help us to offload them onto the page, and stop them swirling around in our head. The page will never judge us, and we can write what we like, safe in the knowledge that we don’t need to share it with anyone, unless we choose to. After we have written our unsent letter, we can decide what to do with it, perhaps keep it safe in a memory box, or even tear it up - it is up to us. Writing can be very powerful, and some days, when the feelings were too much, I would write about something else, for example, the birds I could see in the trees outside, or my pets, who were constant companions during that sad time.

 

 

Working through grief following the death of someone close, or loss following a life event such as divorce, retirement or redundancy, can take time. If you feel like you might benefit from one-to-one counselling support, then contact me directly at kirstenj430@gmail.com or use the contact form on this website.

 

About the author

 

Kirsten is a BACP registered counsellor, author, and nurse, supporting people to listen to their own needs, leading to growth and change, whatever the situation.

 

This blog explores my own views and is not directly related to any client I have counselled, either past or present. The views here are not intended to be a replacement for one-to-one therapy, to support your individual needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


© Kirsten Jack

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